What's your opinion on my story?

  ';Dude, look at this.'; Andy whispered in the computer lab.


Holly and Damien watched Andy type in ';phsteachers'; in the username box and then ';kites'; in the password box. As soon as he hit enter, the screen switched to a background where a white-and-blue kite appeared. Holly could see an icon that said ';Grades';. Her stomach did a somersault when she realized what Andy had done. He cracked the code to a teacher's login. She had heard it from Demi, but she didn't believe it. She thought those were just rumors.


Andy clicked on Internet Explore and typed in ';Facebook'; in the search box. To Holly's pleasure, the site appeared on the screen. This was the best discovery ever. They were one of the few people who knew how to get in a teacher's account. It was almost too good to be true,


';God, teachers are so stupid.'; snickered Andy, as he logged onto his Facebook account. ';Why would they come up with something so easy as a password and a username.';


Holly had to agree. She thought Paramount would come up with something more complicated. Now she had an all access pass to Facebook at school. It almost made her forget about the rumors being spread about her. At least until she saw a couple of sophomore girls she didn't know walk past her. One of them was Corydon Winstead. She had long, brown hair, hazel eyes, and tanned skin. Holly knew her from church and summer camp.


';Hey,'; Corydon said, flipping her dark hair over her shoulders. ';What are you doing?';


Holly wanted to impress Corydon and her friends by showing them how to get into a teacher's account. Corydon looked pleased when she saw that Andy could get on Facebook.


';Wow,'; she smirked. ';I've never thought I see the day when we could get on Facebook at school.';


';Can you change grades?'; Donna Paisley asked, tucking her blond locks behind her ear.


';Or schedules?'; Chrissy Waverly asked excitedly.


';I don't know.'; said Holly. ';I think only counselors can do that.';


She was hoping that wasn't the case. In her mind she would have loved to change her eighty-three percent in biology to a hundred percent. But she couldn't get everything she wanted. When Andy and Damien left to talk to the boys over by the other computers, Holly stayed behind with Corydon, Donna, Chrissy, and Nina Castro.


';God,'; sighed Corydon, tucking her arms into her white hoodie. ';It's cold in here.';


';Yeah, because they're trying to prevent germs from floating around here.'; stated Holly. ';If you ask me, it doesn't make any sense. You could get a flu from the cold.';


';Paramount just gets dumber and dumber.'; remarked Nina. ';First the school code and now this. Jesus, we're all gonna freeze to death.';


';So how you are and Damien?'; Corydon ask, focusing her hazel eyes on her.


Holly didn't want to tell her that people were hoping for them to break up. Or that people were spreading rumors about them. But those girls were her friends. They were sophomores and they knew better than to fall for the rumors that flew around the freshman wing.


';Okay, but people are making up stuff about us.'; she admitted.


';Like what?'; Chrissy asked, tying her blond hair into a ponytail.


';Saying that Damien is cheating on me.';


Corydon scoffed and rolled her eyes simultaneously. ';Of course.';


';Just ignore them.'; Nina advised, waving at Davey Smith who was now cracking jokes with Andy. ';I love hearing rumors. It just makes me, not break me.';


Holly admired Nina for not caring about what other people thought of her, but she had to watch out for people who said those kind of things. Nina didn't need to be gossiped about.


';Christmas break is coming five days.'; announced Corydon. ';What are you doing?';


';Going to Time Squares with friends.'; Holly boasted. ';We're going skiing, shopping, and et cetera.';


Corydon nodded. It was hard to tell whether Corydon was impressed or not. She had this personality where she was usually apathetic. Holly knew that Corydon modeled for Hollister, Abercrombie, Kohls, and Banana Republic. Holly always admired Corydon's lithe figure, glossy brown hair, and gorgeous hazel eyes. She was known for coming from one of the wealthiest families in Paramount. Most people were only considered upper middle-class, but only a few people were called wealthy. Holly's father made a decent amount of money, but not enough to be put above Corydon and Andy.


';Sounds fun.'; Corydon said sincerely. ';I'm going to Colorado. I kind of like it better than New York. You know, with New Years and all. It'll be too crowded for me to walk down the streets of New York.';


Holly thought it was ironic because CorWhat's your opinion on my story?
Your writing style is very captivating. Your detail is admirable and the writing alone was enough to keep me reading until the last words. However, as Mel said, I'm a little confused. What's going on here? I'm sure that it's explained later on, but what's happening? Is this foreshadowing to Corydon convincing to Holly to cheat? That's what was going on in my head, which alone is a compliment: Writing that provokes questions is good writing indeed.





A suggestion:


*Corydon is a very uncommon name, and hard to pronounce. Readers (in the case that you publish it -- and from any one else on Y!A, I'd say was highly unlikely, but your book with some polishing sounds like publishing is a possibility) would have trouble pronouncing her name. Indeed, when it first appeared on my screen I did a double-take. Consider changing it to something that sounds like the popular-girl type, but is easy to pronounce; this is what I was advised to do when I took a creative writing course over the summer. Try something like Allison or Violet.





I hope you didn't find my response too lengthy! :) All in all, VERY good story.What's your opinion on my story?
its really good!!!





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8O That. Was. FANTASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D


DANG that is good!!!!! :D :D :D


Answer mine??


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i love it


way better than some other people who are amatures


way better than other authers books i read and believe me there are a lot


i thought i was good


it hooked me the second i started to read it


i couldnt look away until i finished it
I kind of like this...but I can't really see where it's going. Like what's the big picture? Kids hacking into Facebook at school? The readers should have a basic idea about what your story is about by the first couple of pages...something to make them keep reading. Now, to get on to the things I liked :) You showed Holly's emotions really well and the description was nice and very visual. You also have some pretty strong characters. Like, you can see their personalities and such and you're only a bit into the story.


Good Luck! : )


MEL
i really like what you have posted so far! it's good because it catches your attention. also, the narrative and dialogue are pretty interesting.